If you are sending a student off to college, or maybe have a couple or few already there, you have likely heard the term “helicopter parent.” It’s a mildly denigrating description of a parent that just won’t stop “hovering” over their student, and to those of us working in Student Affairs, it’s an apt description. Some parents these days just don’t seem willing or able to “cut the cord.”
Now, I am not waxing nostalgic about this, but, ahem, Sonny, back in my day, parents didn’t act like this. At least mine never did.
I went to school in the same town where I grew up but had weeks when I didn’t talk to my parents, semesters when I didn’t really ask for much advice, and more than a couple of less-fun situations (academic and otherwise) where I had to dig myself out of a hole or two of my own making.
Cell phones and the internet have gone a long way toward changing that, and today’s college kids are connected 24-7-365 to their parents. In some ways, that can be good. It’s great when you meet a kid and know his or her parents are always in their student’s corner, cheering them on, holding their hands, telling them things will be okay. I’m a Gen Xer, and well, I just didn’t get much of that, and instead, I listened to Nine Inch Nails, Nirvana, AC/DC and the Cure, with a little Morrissey thrown in there somewhere, some Beastie Boys, and maybe a little Run DMC. I got by more or less in one piece, and there were definitely times when my parents did encourage me on, give me advice, and come to my rescue. It’s what good parents do.
So what’s the big deal, you may ask? Well, it’s simple enough. College isn’t just about what you learn in the classroom so you can get a job. A lot of what you actually retain about college is learned out of class, through social interactions, decision-making, time management, and yes, making mistakes, dealing with unfairness that might be thrown your way in some situations, and filtering through mountains of information and bureacracy. These are essential skills for managing your life and career, and parents who hover and hand-hold too much are robbing their children of opportunities to learn from these situations.
So it comes down to this….
It’s great to be interested in your child’s success. . .but it’s not really their success if you are doing the work for them.
It’s your job to protect your child from harm. . .and the best way to do this is to teach them first, how to recognize harmful situations and second, how to make good choices.
It’s fine to gather information to help your student navigate college life and campus bureaucracy. . . but they should be driving the ship. You can certainly help by giving your child a “map,” but it’s not your journey, it’s theirs.
Your words and your actions during this critical time in your child’s life very much shape how they will interact with the world and other people. So it is worth figuring out where the line should be between being a caring and involved parent, and interfering with your child’s development into a healthy, functioning adult.
There are several quizzes available free on the internet that will help you explore this question, and some good articles about the good and bad in helicopter parenting, including:
- http://www.collegeboard.com/parents/plan/getting-ready/155044.html
- http://www.quintcareers.com/helicopter_parent_quiz.html
- http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/04/in-defense-of-helicopter-parents/
- http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21146846/
If you take one of these quizzes and the results lean toward the possibility you are a helicopter parent, consider what you are not only able but willing to do. It’s important to make this distinction, because you may arrive at the conclusion that you are a helicopter parent, but that you do not want to change. That is your right, and all I can do is present an other way of looking at it.
If you do want to explore what you might do to better manage the transitions associated with your student’s college life, or you feel like you or your child could benefit from a third-person perspective, consider contacting me to set up some life coaching sessions, and I will do my best to set up an initial meeting with you (in person or over the phone, depending on your location.)
Best of luck to you and your students as you make this transition.
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