New college students and their parents spend a lot of time and energy on planning for the physical aspects of the college experience…choosing a major, setting up the dorm room, and paying for college are usually foremost in their minds, and there are certainly plenty of resources out there for getting ready for these parts of college.
But are you and your parents ready for how the college experience will change you? These days, college students are so connected to their parents, and the relationships so strong, that it’s increasingly difficult for both sides to navigate the journey effectively, and to draw bright lines between what counts as appropriate and supportive parental behavior, and what counts as interfering with a student’s normal development.
I won’t say it’s easy to figure out. In fact, I think it is the great problem before the modern era’s college students, parents, and higher education professionals. This deep belief provides the basis for this coaching practice.
Twenty years ago, I began my career in student affairs, as a resident assistant at Clemson University. I was the RA for an all-male floor of 62 men in B-Section of Johnstone Hall. I had only the vaguest of ideas that there was something out there called “student development theory,” or that “student affairs” was an actual career field. Two and a half years later, I began an M.Ed. program in Counseling and Guidance Services, which gave me a good grounding in developmental theory, for the fifteen years that followed.
While theory is great, I can’t say it’s something I was able to dwell on and work with every day. Daily work in student affairs at a large university like Penn State can pretty much be drawn down to three P’s: problems, policies and procedures. I applied to a doctoral program last year, and said as much…which is apparently is the wrong answer…at least with that particular program. So I’ve spent my time dwelling on how to put my knowledge of campus life and career issues, my professional experience and my personal and professional convictions to good use.
Over the past few years, I’ve thought about, talked about, and kicked around the idea of becoming a life and career coach. Then I realized that in some ways, I was already doing coaching. I just wasn’t calling it that. Student Affairs professionals help college students deal with homesickness, find opportunities to get involved on campus, resolve conflicts, meet with students who are making poor behavioral choices, talk them through transitions and crises, and help them find their directions in life. We also help parents understand transitions their students will go through, navigate campus bureaucracies, understand policies, and manage the fallout from student problems.
So what’s the difference between working in Student Affairs, and Coaching? First and foremost, it’s that student affairs professionals must serve many masters, and make decisions in response to policy concerns, risk management protocols, and other institutional interests. Life coaches don’t. In a coaching relationship, it’s clearer whose interests should be served: the individual client’s.
This realization has led me to plan my own career and life transition, and to pursue certification as a life and career coach. In essence, it’s an effort to strip my career down to the parts I like best and think I am good at, and jettison the rest. Do what you love, and hope the money will follow.
It may seem a contradiction, but the first step I would recommend for any college student or parent hoping to benefit from a coaching relationship would be to get a basic understanding of student development theory. Some good ways to get up to speed include:
- “An Introduction to Student Development Theory” provided by Central Michigan University’s Office of Residence Life.
- Student Development Theory Cheat Sheet on ResLifePro.com
Understanding what transitions and challenges are common should give you context for what to expect during college. In my work with students, I hope to help them understand what developmental tasks they have mastered, what’s on the horizon, and how to set personal and professional goals that will, hopefully, help them succeed in college and make successful transitions into adulthood. For my work with parents, I hope to help them understand common transitions and developmental milestones, and to gauge whether their interactions with their students are developmentally appropriate and helpful. or, well, NOT. For both students and parents, I hope to help them explore boundaries, and find a comfortable distance from which to operate.
Now that I am a parent myself, I think I have a better understanding of how hard this might be for most people. Parents rightfully want to protect their children from the bad things in life. I know that I do. But my work with college students has taught me that this is not really possible. Instead, parents should strive to help students protect themselves, by preparing for the best and the worst that life brings them, and learning to judge the difference between good choices and bad choices.
What I am hoping to do is find some answers to “helicopter” parenting and to free students and their parents to form healthier relationships that lead to students making successful transitions into adulthood. I call this approach “perimeter parenting ©,” because the goal is to get the “helicopter” parent to land on solid ground, transition from being a “hovering” presence, and move to the “perimeter,” where they can still help, encourage, and yes, protect their child while resisting urges to shelter their students from normal developmental tasks and decision-making.
In the coming weeks. I plan to explore how students and parents might apply different aspects of student development theory to their current situations, as they seek new ways forward in their lives and relationships. Check back soon for an overview of Chickering’s “7 Vectors,” one of the most referenced student development theories, and some questions and exercises to explore, in navigating through college and planning successful transitions to adulthood.
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