Higher Ed Life Coach

Moving Through Autonomy Toward Interdependence

“This vector involves development of emotional autonomy, goals development, and recognition of one’s interdependence with others. Development of emotional autonomy involves a gradual decrease in the need for approval and reassurance of others, toward independence and self-regulation. Students typically move away from dependence on parents to increased reliance on peers. Goals development involves the growth of self-direction, and includes the ability to identify resources, seek help from appropriate people, and use systematic problem-solving methods. Recognition of interdependence follows from independence as the student finds a middle ground between being one’s own person and slavish conformity.”–Quoted from An Introduction to Student Development Theory by Residence Life at Central Michigan University

When planning for college, students and their parents spend a lot of time making sure they are prepared for the academic rigors of college…SAT and ACT prep courses, getting books and assistance for college essays, understanding financial aid, and visiting colleges so they can understand what different schools have to offer.

It’s easy to equate college success with the academic aspects of university life, but that’s only part of the picture. As mentioned in earlier posts of this series on Chickering’s 7 Vectors of Development, Developing Competence and Managing Emotions are equally important parts of the picture. Another aspect that deserves attention is the development of autonomy and moving toward more interdependent relationships.

You declare a major in college so you can learn a specialty. Everything else you do relates to something more holistic: becoming a healthy, well-balanced, fully functioning adult. A key part of this is the pursuit of autonomy.

Today’s students and parents often struggle with traditional boundaries that earlier generations took for granted. In many ways, they are closer than previous generations; a reality made possible by advances in technology…cell phones, e-mail, Facebook, and Twitter have made communicating easier and cheaper than ever.  According to a report by the College Parents of America almost three-quarters of parents communicate with their college student at least two to three times weekly; one-third communicate daily. This is a stark contrast from when I was in college, in the latter part of the 80s and early 90s. I went to school in my own hometown, and there were weeks and maybe even months I barely spoke to my parents…and they both worked on campus!

Do Helicopter Parents Impede Their Students' Progress Toward Autonomy?

While some studies actually show that students with involved parents do well in school and are satisfied with their college experience, some educators (myself included) believe that over-involved parents (often referred to in higher ed circles as “helicopter parents,” because they constantly hover over their children) can interfere with their student’s normal development.

I base my belief  on real-life experience working with college students for over a generation. During my last five years especially, it became more common for me to hear first about a student problem from a parent…usually the mother of a young man living in one of my residence halls. Parent approaches varied widely, from “I just want to know how to help him” to “Fix this problem now!… And don’t tell him I called!” Either way, the student wasn’t taking charge of his or her own life, and that is what I found perplexing.

College students are afforded adult rights and with them come adult responsibilities. The drive of the parent to fix the problem was understandable, but (in my mind) a bit misplaced. In many cases, I was able to give parents the information they needed, as well as the reassurance that the situations their students were experiencing were normal, and that with encouragement from their parents, they could handle the situations themselves.

While there is much hand-wringing in some higher ed circles about helicopter parents and the challenges they present to administrators, I believe most of these can be addressed by simply listening to their concerns and helping them know what their students need to take responsibility for, if they are to be well-adjusted adults. In the end, helicopter parents don’t hover because they want to be pains in the butt. They hover because they deeply care for their children, and want the best for them.

In my work with students and parents, I hope to help them find better, more balanced approaches that empower the student while being appropriately supportive. My hope is to find ways that honor the parent’s good intentions (to protect their child from harmful situations) while placing situations into context (i.e., realizing the difference between harmful situations and normal developmental challenges.)

I call the model I am working on Perimeter Parenting. It’s an approach that aspires to correct some of the concerns caused by so-called “helicopter parenting,” by helping parents understand what kinds of situations represent normal developmental challenges for their college student, in contrast to situations that are threatening and potentially harmful. This approach recognizes that even when parents respond in overblown or inappropriate ways to situations in their student’s lives, that their motivations are generally pure. They want to protect their children from harm, and make sure they can make the best of their college years. The goal of Perimeter Parenting is to teach parents ways to be supportive, encouraging, and helpful, while allowing their students to experience the challenges that will teach adult coping skills, and help them become more competent, and more confident in their abilities.

In later posts, I will expand upon this idea of Perimeter Parenting, and propose ways that parents and students can reframe their relationships and communication patterns and establish healthy boundaries that allow more autonomy to the student, while encouraging them to seek assistance when necessary, and to share their own thoughts, experiences, and questions with their parents, as they work through everyday college issues and make progress toward becoming healthy, fully functioning and well-adjusted adults.

Sean Cook is a Life, Career and Transition Coach, specializing in work with College Students, Their Parents, and Higher Education professionals. He offers 1-on-1 coaching to assist students in making the most of their college experience, and to parents, in making successful life transitions when their students go off to college.