Its been a while since we explored concepts related to Arthur Chickering’s 7 Vectors of Development. In the last installment, we explored moving from autonomy to interdependence. This installment explores the next vector in the series: Developing Mature Interpersonal Relationships.
Developing Mature Interpersonal Relationships
This vector involves increased tolerance and acceptance of differences between individuals and an increase in the capacity for mature and intimate relationships. Both components involve the ability to accept individuals for whom they are, to respect differences, including intercultural differences, and appreciate commonalities. Tolerance aids students in gaining a clearer understanding of customs, values, stereotyping, and discrimination. Skills and attitudes to be developed include the ability to listen, understand and empathize with others without the need to dominate or pass judgment. Relationships are characterized by openness, trust and reciprocity. From an Intro to Student Development Theory at Central Michigan University
One hallmark of today’s college students (Generation Y, or the Millennials) is their closeness to their parents. Some relationships are well-balanced, but others are not (particularly those between students and so-called “helicopter parents,” who hover over their children constantly, even to the point of giving input on daily concerns, calling their student to make sure they are up and going to class, eating well, etc.)
It follows, then, that parents can either support their student in developing these mature relationships, or they can interfere with their student’s progress, by constantly giving their opinions, reinforcing stereotypes, or relieving their student of the responsibilities of listening to others, seeking to understand their perspectives, and learning to live and let live. As a residence life professional for the bulk of my career, I saw this play out in both good and bad ways many, many times. Here are some brief tips I’d like to offer both parties.
Parents:
When your student comes to you with an issue, and asks what he or she should do, don’t answer right away. Instead, ask thought-provoking questions to help them work it out, such as:
- What have you done so far to address the issue? (for example, if the issue is a roommate problem, ask if they have discussed it with their roommate, an RA, the resident director, etc.)
- What are some of the options you are considering? Have you looked into whether they are feasible?
- What do you want to do to fix the issue?
- What do you think you will learn from dealing with this issue?
Resist the temptations to:
- Tell them your opinion
- Agree to look into their options for them, or
- To “fix” the problem for them.
Students:
When talking with your parents about an issue you are having:
- Ask them to talk you through the problem and generate some possible options.
- Be clear what you are asking for. If you want help thinking through a problem, say that. If you just want to vent, say that. Don’t leave your parents with the perception that you expect them to fix your problem. It’s not the responsible, “adult” thing to do.
- If your parent(s) say “Don’t worry about this, I will fix it,” reply that you need to learn to handle issues on your own. If they are persistent, tell them you appreciate the offer, and will take them up on it if you can’t solve the problem on your own. Then go and try some of the options you’ve come up with and see how things go.
These are just a few simple starting points for managing the conversations with your parents, and the issues that face you during college. If you have ideas on ways that today’s students and their parents can communicate about college life issues, please share them in the comments. Thanks for reading!
Related posts:
- Chickering’s 7 Vectors of Development
- Developing Physical Competence
- Developing Competence
- Developing Competence: Ideas For Parents:
- College Student Development: Moving from Autonomy to Interdependence
Sean Cook has 15 years of experience working in Higher Education, as a Student Affairs Professional. He is a Certified Life and Career Coach through the Life Purpose Institute, a program accredited by the International Coach Federation. Sean also writes about career issues in higher education for our companion site, HigherEdCareerCoach.com and is a periodic contributor to the Student Affairs Collaborative Blog.
