Understanding the Helicopter Parent Mindset

by Sean Cook on January 29, 2010

in For College Parents

Susie & Brendan Cook

Susie & Brendan Cook

These are my children, Susie & Brendan.

Susie is one and Brendan is four.

Every day, I get closer to understanding the Helicopter Parent mindset.

Susie is just starting to walk, and every day, she gets more coordinated and confident. Over the last two weeks, she has gone from taking tentative steps to blazing across the floor. It’s so cute to watch her. She gets this smile, and babbles “Deh-dee” and points at me. I can tell she is proud of her progress, and she seems to understand that I am proud of her (in whatever way a baby of that age could.)

But yesterday, Susie had her first big fall. Sarah was out getting the stroller to walk down to Brendan’s preschool and pick him up for a picnic lunch. She’ d just stepped out the door when it happened. Susie and I were watching a baby show On Demand, about sounds. She was happy and I was kind of fascinated with it as well.

As she often does, Susie toddled off to one side of the room, with a toy in both hands. I looked away for a second, and then I heard a clunk. Susie had tripped (either on the edge of the carpet or even worse, maybe over my big-ass feet) and landed, face-down, straight on the hardwood floor. And she let out one heck of a scream.

As I rushed to pick her up, she began really wailing and as I picked her up off the floor, I could see her mouth was bleeding. I pulled her close, hugging her and stroking her head, though I was getting blood on my shirt. But I didn’t care. I just wished I hadn’t looked away. I wished that, if it was my foot, that I didn’t have such big feet.

Sarah came in and asked what happened, Susie reached out for her, because (and this is okay, she is a baby after all) only Mommy will do sometimes when she needs comfort.

I hate the idea that I might one day become a helicopter parent. I want more than anything for my kids to be self-reliant, confident…ready for the world. I know I can’t protect them from everything.

But for now, I understand a little bit better that need helicopter parents have to hold their children close and protect them from the world.

If only that was realistic.

If only that was healthy.

If only I had smaller feet.

Related posts:

  1. Are You a Helicopter Parent?
  2. College Student Development: Moving from Autonomy to Interdependence
  3. Seeking Guests for My New BlogTalkRadio Show!
  4. How Does College Change Students?
  5. I Can’t Believe My Baby is Growing Up!: Some Basics About Student Development Theory for College Parents

Tagged as: adulthood, helicopter parent, parenting, perimeter parent

  • http://www.ntsaonline.com/learn J

    First I have to say – those are some adorable children!

    It is hard to step away from wanting to protect them and I still occasionally struggle with not calling or emailing a teacher about something. More often what I find myself doing is teaching them to protect, or advocate, for themselves and then being there to wipe the tears and offer comfort when it doesn’t work out the way they want it to.

    I really enjoyed this post, Sean!

  • http://www.ntsaonline.com/learn J

    First I have to say – those are some adorable children!

    It is hard to step away from wanting to protect them and I still occasionally struggle with not calling or emailing a teacher about something. More often what I find myself doing is teaching them to protect, or advocate, for themselves and then being there to wipe the tears and offer comfort when it doesn’t work out the way they want it to.

    I really enjoyed this post, Sean!

  • LMatthews

    Your children are lovely. I wouldn’t worry too much about being a parent who hovers too much. I remember my freshamn year as an undergrad at Boston U. and I got a failing grade on my first calculus exam. I was devestated and convinced the program was too difficult for me. My father was very encouraging when I spoke to him by phone, giving me a little pep talk. He also made a call to the professor without my knowing and asked what I could do to help my overall grade in the course. The professor said he was available duirng office hours and would answer questions about anything I did not understand.

    I visited that professor every single week for the remainder of the semester. I was pretty much the only student who ever went to his office hours, so we were able to work on problems for 2 hours straight every week. I understood everything from that point forward and ended up getting an A on every other exam and a B in the course.

    Senior year I had the highest grade on the senior engineering project – out of 400 students, some with betters GPAs than mine. I earned my BS in biomedical engineering, then a few years later earned a Masters and finally a Ph.D. (with no specific help from dad, other than he paid for two of my courses one year).

    My parents raised me and my siblings to be very independent, but they helped us get up when we fell down. They didn’t feel the need to watch us struggle if they could help out and we could also learn from the process. I was 16 when I started college and too young and scared to talk to the professor on my own. So my dad did what he knew I couldn’t. For the rest of my academic career, I was able to do it myself because I had learned from the experience.

    Now that I have 4 children of my own, I understand the difference between doing too much for your kids as opposed to being there as a support system and “consultant.” I think my parents struck a good balance. 20 years later, and 10 years since my father passed away, I remember those moments – the times when he helped pick me up and quiet my fears. That’s what dads are for.

    Thank you for the post – I enjoyed reading it.

  • LMatthews

    Your children are lovely. I wouldn’t worry too much about being a parent who hovers too much. I remember my freshamn year as an undergrad at Boston U. and I got a failing grade on my first calculus exam. I was devestated and convinced the program was too difficult for me. My father was very encouraging when I spoke to him by phone, giving me a little pep talk. He also made a call to the professor without my knowing and asked what I could do to help my overall grade in the course. The professor said he was available duirng office hours and would answer questions about anything I did not understand.

    I visited that professor every single week for the remainder of the semester. I was pretty much the only student who ever went to his office hours, so we were able to work on problems for 2 hours straight every week. I understood everything from that point forward and ended up getting an A on every other exam and a B in the course.

    Senior year I had the highest grade on the senior engineering project – out of 400 students, some with betters GPAs than mine. I earned my BS in biomedical engineering, then a few years later earned a Masters and finally a Ph.D. (with no specific help from dad, other than he paid for two of my courses one year).

    My parents raised me and my siblings to be very independent, but they helped us get up when we fell down. They didn’t feel the need to watch us struggle if they could help out and we could also learn from the process. I was 16 when I started college and too young and scared to talk to the professor on my own. So my dad did what he knew I couldn’t. For the rest of my academic career, I was able to do it myself because I had learned from the experience.

    Now that I have 4 children of my own, I understand the difference between doing too much for your kids as opposed to being there as a support system and “consultant.” I think my parents struck a good balance. 20 years later, and 10 years since my father passed away, I remember those moments – the times when he helped pick me up and quiet my fears. That’s what dads are for.

    Thank you for the post – I enjoyed reading it.

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