There is so much for college students to learn about themselves during college, and so much for their parents to try to understand about what’s going on with their student. An understanding of the normal developmental tasks that students face should help both parties deal with the many transitions that come with college life.
It’s been a while since we visited the realm of student development theory. Let’s return to Chickering’s 7 Vectors of Development. In the last post, we explored Developing Mature Interpersonal Relationships. The next vector, establishing identity, explained briefly below, from a synopsis of student development theories available from Residence Life at Central Michigan University.
Establishing Identity
This component is strongly interwoven with the other vectors and refers to the ability to articulate an accurate, realistic self-profile. Students discover or confirm their core characteristics, their preferred ways to dress and act, and their favorite interests. They make choices and commitments about with whom they want to identify, roles they play, and lifestyles they want. Identity formation based on sexual orientation, ethnic minority status or handicap often presents additional challenges to students.
Many students experiment with ongoing experiments in re-creating themselves, so it shouldn’t shock parents when the child they leave behind in August comes back at Thanksgiving with a tattoo, different colored hair, a major change in lifestyle or even surprising pronouncements about religion, politics, sexual orientation, etc.
While some parents may write off their student’s changes as passing phases, others need to be taken seriously as the result of personal revelations, introspection and growth.
How can you tell the difference?
The truth is, you can’t. And it’s not up to you to divine your child’s personal truth. That is something that is exclusively his or her responsibility.
So what can a parent or friend do to be supportive, especially if you don’ t understand the changes?
- Listen to your child talk about what he or she has been going through at college.
- Ask him or her to explain the new interests and how these interests were discovered.
- Learn what you can about the changes, and ask more questions.
- Reassure your child that you love him or her.
- Talk to someone who has experience with the issues and if necessary, join a support group.
- Stick with your student through the changes. There will be many, and some changes truly are phases that will pass.
For some of the harder issues (those that don’t mesh with your views on race, religion, politics, drug use, sex, sexual orientation):
- Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes, and think about how isolating it would be to lose the support of people you love, who have been there for you your entire life.
- Will lectures bring you and your child any closer?
- Will disavowing or disowning your child lead you to a more fulfilling life?
- Will you be able to live with yourself (and without a connection to your child) if it is only a phase, but by the time the phase passes, you have disenfranchised yourself completely from your child?
- On a similar note, what will you miss in your child’s life if you have a later change of heart, but the divide between you and your child is too deep to repair?
The quest for identity is a difficult one, and parents should be able to draw on their own experiences to inform their responses to their students’ quest, and the changes that come with it. My recommendations for all involved (parent and student) are summed up as follows: Ask. Share. Listen. Learn. Be Patient. Be Kind. Love….And Try to Understand.
Related posts:
- Chickering’s 7 Vectors of Development
- College Student Development: Moving from Autonomy to Interdependence
- Chickering’s 7 Vectors: Developing Mature Interpersonal Relationships
- I Can’t Believe My Baby is Growing Up!: Some Basics About Student Development Theory for College Parents
- Managing Emotions in College