If there’s one thing you must learn in college, it is this: how to fail.

And not just a little bit. I mean fail spectacularly. The kind of failure that wrenches your gut, knocks you out cold, maybe even leaves you a little bloody. (My apologies to Jason Seiden for borrowing his term. Go check out his blog and his book. Be sure to watch the awesome video “Fail Spectacularly.”)

Why fail? Because college is about learning. And failure is one of the best teachers, if you know how to use it.

I know this firsthand, because I am a  failure myself. This was especially true in college. I was a train wreck in progress…the kind that horrifies you but won’t allow you to turn the other way. Because I had a flair for it. I was good at failure. And you know what? I still am.

If you don’t know how to fail, you won’t ever have the experience of picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and starting over again. The consequence: you won’t learn the skills necessary to see the next train wreck coming. And that train wreck…it’ll be you!

This is something I worry over about the current generation of college students. They’ve been given medals all their lives, for even the most minor achievements. Their parents hover over them still, and they communicate several times a day, by phone, e-mail, Twitter and Facebook. It’s absolutely nuts, and totally unhealthy, for both the student and their parents. And, though well-intentioned, parents need to allow their students the failure, and the legitimate learning that comes with it. It’s the difference between protecting and coddling. And it will mean all the difference to a student’s success in college and beyond.

So do yourself a favor: learn to fail. And if you are a parent, learn to let your student fail.

Here are five keys to help students and parents learn to fail the right way.

• First, take some risks.
  • If you are a college student, try something new, on your own, without asking your parents whether you should. If it interests you, you need  to evaluate the pros and cons of the activities yourself. You know that you are going to a) do it anyway or b) resent others for talking you out of it. So “man up,” and take some risks! (As long as you understand them first, and their potential consequences.)
  • If you are a college parent, let your student make their own decisions. After all, your “child” is an adult now. You need to start thinking that way. Instead of telling your student “yes” or “no,” ask them what they’ve done to think an issue through. It’s okay to end the conversation with “It’s your decision, and I know you will make the choice that is best for you.” This approach will likely lead to a couple of surprising outcomes: your student will surprise you and make the choice you hoped for, because their parent’s voices are always with them, anyway; or your student will surprise you and make the decision you worried about, and in most cases things will turn out fine, because your student will learn a valuable life lesson from the success or the failure which follows. If the result is failure, you will have the satisfaction of either being there for your kid, and offering support, or saying “I told you so.” So in most cases, the end result is win-win for you.

• Second, learn to trust. This is a hard one, in that it requires you to trust several different parts of the equation: your student, yourself, and the process. You should trust your student because you raised them the best you could. You should trust yourself, because you know your intentions are good, even if your practices sometimes fall short. And, finally, you should trust the process because most things turn out just fine. If it doesn’t kill you (or your student) it will likely make one (or both) of you stronger.

• Third, learn to forgive and move on. Your student will fail, it’s part of life. You will fail, because you’re human, too. And the process will fail, because its success depends on both of you, on other people, and about a million other variables, from the economy to the weather. It’s just how it is. But the sun will likely rise tomorrow, the wind will still blow, and life will go on.

• Stay in a committed relationship with your failures. Stick with them until you learn something that makes them worthwhile. Pick them apart, look at all the pieces that didn’t fall into place, and see how you could fit things together differently next time.

• Meet each other as equals. Each side has something to teach, and each has something to learn, but to fail successfully, each of you must allow the other to learn from the situation and the interactions that led to it. This means no lecturing. No rescuing. And no excuses! Each side needs to take 100% responsibility for their part in the problem and the solution.

So take a risk or two, and be sure to use every experience as a learning opportunity (even if the situation seems bad on its face.) You’ll come out on the other side stronger and more able to make successful choices in the future!

What are you doing to get comfortable with failure? Are you ready to fail? And what will you learn from it?

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This is it. What you have been working towards for four long years in high school, why you studied long and hard for your SATs or ACTs, why you gave up evenings and weekends in order to perfect your college application. Your Fall semester is about to get underway. But after all that hard work, are you ready for your college academic career?

One of the first things you need to ask yourself is “why am I going to college?” To get a degree? To get into business/law/medical/graduate school? To get a job? Or is it to get an education? You need to be clear about your goals. Write them down so that when the number of distractions outnumber the hours in your day, you can remind yourself the reason why you’re in college to begin with.

The second thing you need to decide is how you are going to approach your classes. You will be required to take a number of courses that are outside of your major or interest, especially your Freshman and Sophomore years. Are you going to see these courses as a burden or an opportunity? Each class presents a chance for you to improve your skills, expand your knowledge and practice critical thinking. But if you decide ahead of time the class is a waste of time, then it will be.

Which brings me to what is probably the most important class of your Freshman year: Freshman Writing. Most students don’t see it that way. But remember, no matter your major, from science to sociology, pre-med to pre-law, engineering to English, you will be required to write, and write well. A professor can’t evaluate your ideas if they can’t understand them, or are distracted by mistakes. Freshman Writing classes have been developed specifically to help you transition from high school to college-level writing.

Improving your reading, writing, and critical thinking skills takes practice; Freshman Writing invites you to practice and concentrate on these three important areas. But a student’s freshman year is full of new challenges and responsibilities: a full course load, a job, roommates, social life, homework, extra-curricular activities … the list goes on and on. Courses such as Freshman Writing often end up getting pushed aside, or lost in the chaos and excitement of the freshman experience.

And please, remember that what you learn in Freshman Writing isn’t just for your English classes; it’s for all your classes. If you have to write, then you should be applying what you learned in Freshman Writing. Your college education should be about taking what you learn in all of your classes and applying them elsewhere. This will help you succeed on your path towards your degree, career and beyond.

But you don’t have to do this alone. Learn about all of the programs and services that are available on your campus, often at no charge to you as a full-time student. Is there a writing center, a peer tutoring service, college literacy program, or other student support groups? You never know when you will assistance of one kind or another, be it academic or something else. If you know where to go if your money runs out, or if you have problems with a roommate, or if your computer breaks, then if something does happen, or you need help, you can get it in a minimum amount of time and stress.

And, finally, learn how to relax in a healthy way. University can be stressful, not to mention full of distractions. Without proper sleep and rest, you won’t be able to learn. Living off of energy drinks and all-nighters will wreck your health, your immune system, and your GPA. But lying in bed, mind racing, will do exactly the same thing. Find a way to unwind, calm your mind, and get the sleep that you need to stay healthy and keep your mind sharp. This is often something we ignore, the least of our worries. Or “stress-relief” involves lots of alcohol. There are lots of different services and programs available on campus, so explore what works best for you. Your body and brain will thank you.

Dr. Lee Elaine Skallerup has taught at the college-level for over ten years. She blogs about issues in higher education at collegereadywriting.blogspot.com.

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August is quickly passing us by, which can only mean one thing: school starts soon!

For those of you heading off to college for the first time (or being left at home as your son/daughter leaves for college), prepare yourself for a lot of changes in the coming months! The first few weeks of college sometimes have the feeling of summer camp: there are so many activities going on, so many new people to meet, and so many new buildings to navigate. You have the opportunity to be so busy that you don’t have time to think!

But sometimes, after not getting enough sleep, or being buried by the huge pile of dirty laundry falling out of your closet, or not knowing exactly what to write for your English paper, feeling start creeping in that you aren’t sure how to handle. The feelings might be homesickness, stress, academic unpreparedness, or more. Don’t worry: at some point, this happens to everyone! The beauty of being on a college campus, though, is that there are so many people and offices available to help ensure your success.

If you take a close look at your bill each quarter/semester, you will usually find a section of “student fees.” These fees go to cover a variety of services that are available to you to use at any time during your college career. If you are already paying for these services, why not use them?

Here is my suggestion: find these resources before you need them! Grab a new friend and take a walking tour during the first few days you are on campus.

1. If you haven’t already done it, find the buildings where all of your classes will be held.
2. Next, find some of these important help resources: Campus Health, Counseling Services, Career Services, Academic Advising, Writing Center, Learning Center (or whatever office on your campus offers academic assistance, such as tutoring, study skills, etc), Registrar’s Office, Financial Aid, the Recreation Center, Dean of Students Office. You can ask your RA for additional suggestions of offices to visit.
   1. Go in to each office and ask the person at the front desk what kinds of services they provide for students and how you can utilize their office. Do they prefer you to have an appointment, or can you just walk in? Are there resources online that you can access from your laptop, or would it usually be best to talk to someone in the office? When is the office open?
   2. Collect a brochure or information sheet from each office, if there is one available. You could also take a business card for the person you talked to, if he/she has one available.
3. Designate a folder specifically to these information sheets that you collected. Keep the folder in a place you will remember.

It may happen that you never need to look at that folder again. Perhaps you won’t run into any academic, personal, or emotional challenges, and that is great! But if you do find yourself a little more stressed than usual about a particular situation, you already know that there is someone on campus you can talk with about it and where that office is located. If you aren’t sure exactly where to go or who to talk with, start by talking with your R.A. (resident advisor) in your residence hall or your academic advisor or a professor. Even if they don’t know specifically how to help you in your situation, they most likely will be able to help you find a person who can! The important thing to remember when you are facing a challenge is just to ask for help: there will always be someone willing to give you assistance on your campus.

It is also important to remember that you can use campus resources even when you think things are going really well. Your papers could always be a little bit better, so why not ask someone in the Writing Center look it over. Math or science might be subjects you generally do well in, so see if there is an option for you to become a tutor for other students. If you are going on a service trip and aren’t sure if your tetanus shot is up to date, find out if you could get that immunization in Campus Health. Even as a first-year student, it is never too early to use the resources in Career Services; they can help you explore major or career options and find internships. The Counseling Center might provide free or low-cost massages during midterms or finals, or provide nutrition services to help you make the most of the dining hall food options.

The key point to all if it is this: successful students ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness, and people are not going to make fun of you for using resources that are available to you. You may even learn something from the experience, and that’s really what college is all about.

Sarah Howard is in her third year of academic advising at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. She advises students with majors in natural sciences, mathematics, and pre-health fields. Sarah completed her bachelor’s degree at Ashland University in Ohio with a double major in English and mathematics and a religious studies minor; she also holds a Master of Arts degree from Bowling Green State University in college student personnel. Her favorite colors are blue and orange. She can be found online at @howardsj or her blog at http://undecidedlyadvising.blogspot.com

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As the academic year begins this August, approximately 2 million new students will flood campuses in the United States (according to the National Center for Education Statistics), representing about 68% of the nation’s recent high school graduates. It’s a time given a mythical status in the minds of many of these students, and their families…. a time for exploring new ideas, opening of the young mind, discoveries of purpose, new friends, new opportunities, and new challenges. A place where you will start your career, join organizations that will change your life, and maybe even find “that special someone” to spend the rest of your life with.

And many of these things do happen to college students, so the myths were born of the seed of truth. But like many seeds, myths grow in fertile soil that is often full of…well, crap.

Things aren’t ever perfect, and the fall arrival period is a time when many students (and their parents) discover the truth…when they arrive and the experience doesn’t match expectations.

• The roommate is going to be your best pal, and you’ll go everywhere together, until you’ve built a solid bond for life…best man or maid of honor at each other’s weddings, future business partner, godparent to your children, etc. Maybe you’ll even name your children after them. Except that when you arrive, the kid you met at orientation, and decided to room with, isn’t assigned to you, and you find yourself in a 4-person lounge that was converted into temporary housing. And you have nothing in common with the three other roommates, and don’t see the point, since the situation’s “temporary,”  and you’ll be moving as soon as they find a space for you.
• The classes will all be engaging, and you’ll spend time outside of class out on the green lawn with your favorite professor, talking philosophy, debating quantum mechanics, or imagining the next big thing in technology…which will lead to a fabulous research assistantship or internship, the adulation of all the best minds in your field, and of course, a great job upon graduation. Only when you get there, the class has 300 people (or more) in it, is taught by a grad student, with occasional input from a professor you’ve never actually met, and probably won’t, because he only has open office hours once a week, during the time you have 3 classes back-to-back. And no one spends a lot of time on the campus green talking philosophy, because they are all on their cell phones with their parents  and friends back home, or texting someone.
• And let’s not even get into parking, the dining halls, whether you can get football tickets, or the alcohol policies that never seem to get mentioned in movies like Animal House and PCU.

So the first critical year of college starts for many students well before they get to campus…in their mind, which is full of expectations (realistic or not), and the plans they’ve made based on them. And anyone can tell you the quickest way to frustration is paved with unrealistic expectations.

Last week, I wrote a post, titled “If They Knew Now, What You Know Now, That You Wish You’d Known Then…. What Would They Know?,” and asked readers to comment and share advice and perspectives. It didn’t get the comments I was hoping for, so I thought I’d try again. If you have some brief advice you would share (or a life lesson that would serve as a good example), please visit the post and comment.

I also think that many readers out there would have some good perspectives to share, so I am hoping to have guest bloggers for the next three Mondays featuring life lessons and advice for this year’s incoming college students, and to talk some about the back-to-school season and college transition issues on my BlogTalkRadio show.

So, whether you are  a current college student, a graduate, a parent, a career coach, or a higher ed professional (or from some other category entirely), you’re invited to share your thoughts as a guest blogger. Please e-mail me at sean@higheredcareercoach.com this week if you are interested, and check back next week, as I extend the “Monday Morning Quarterback” guest blogger series from HigherEdCareerCoach.Com to include HigherEdLifeCoach.Com as well.

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When I first came to college, I had all sorts of nonsense running through my head about college and what it would be all about. I looked forward to meeting new people and making friends, maybe joining a fraternity, and (this was a surprise to many who knew me) Air Force ROTC. I quickly found out that many of my preconceptions about what college would be like were based on television and movies, and not real life. I had rose-colored glasses in a big way and soon enough, they were stripped away and I had to see college for what it really was: hard work (and not just the classes-the meeting people and having a social life was work, too.)

If I had to do it again, I’d have a lot of advice for that fresh-faced first-year, and quite a bit of it would blow his mind.

• College may be a fresh start, but you can’t really “re-create” yourself in some new image. You will always be essentially the same person. The more you push against it, the more misery you will create. Just be yourself.
• You may be an adult, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help. In fact, knowing when you need help is an essential adult life skill. So prove you know when to ask for help, and how to find it. It’s the adult way to do things.
• As long as we’re talking about it, try to do new things on your own before asking for help. It’s great to have the support of friends and family, but if you have so much help from others that you don’t know how to handle everyday life choices, you’re actually co-dependent. Your chief life goal during college should be to become more independent and move toward inter-dependence in your relationships. Other people can’t do this for you. If they do, you may pass your classes, but you’ll fail college life.

These are just 3 brief life lessons I’d share with myself, if met me at orientation or on the way into the residence hall. I’d like to hear yours.

What can you share? If they knew now, what you know now, that you wish you’d known then…. what would they know?

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